It’s been 5 months……holy shit time flies!!!

10405327_10154271186875142_3595276922561141287_nSo I have been thinking and wanting to write and log into this blog I created in my rainbow hazed pregnancy all cozy couch sitting and time time time on my hands to write and sip a hot tea and think! Yea that’s over.

The time goes so fast but  some days drags like molasses, like we have lived 4 days in one when we wake up at 5am. And I say “wake up” but some nights do we really sleep? Or just toss back and forth in warm covers and white noise attempting to silence the child and keep her still for a crazy amount of hours!

I will lie on my aching right side, from 6 months of co-sleeping and breast feeding, propped up by a pillow, my head in a dangerous vertebrae crushing incline that would make my osteopath wince, and I will lie like that for 45 minutes just to keep my boob in her mouth to buy me an extra hour in bed. If I am truly lucky with the Gods and Goodess at my side she will sleep for an hour and a half and I may snooze for 10. But I am learning to treasure even those 10 minutes and the 45 that I just lie their in the dark and worry and think awful things or plan my day or count hours in my head of what will happen if she fully wakes up right now.

My last post was exactly 5 months ago! Fuck!

I have wanted to post little snippets from my mind , and moment my daughter and I have. I have a daughter. DAUGHTER. Even now that she is 6 months old to say those words still feel surreal to my mouth and head. Even when I am snuggling her or feeding her or changing her diaper for the 40th time it still feels like maybe in a bit someone will come and take her back. Maybe my life will go back to …..whatever  it was. Maybe my body may go back to “normal.” You know like those other mom’s who wear their little tight jeans or lulu lemon yoga gear and strut around laughing how after breastfeeding their body just kind of fell back into shape, or they even lost weight! Assholes.

I will never forget how weird it was the few days after birth when my organs were all shifting around in my body.  Grateful for the space to relocate. I guess my intestines and stomach still want more real estate, they just never seemed to fall back into place. And how is it that I literally may have the most active child on the planet and yet I am still carrying 30 extra pounds at least?

Yes, I will write from time to time, little snippets and they won’t be edited or grammatical and they may be filled with anger or sadness, or griping, which doesn’t discount the love, the intense crazy love I have for my child but everyone knows that. Everyone knows about the smiles and the sweet stuff, what about the bullshit?

Like the hallucinations from sleep deprivation? I actually started yelling at a parked car the other day after jumping quickly out of the way when I thought it was going to back into us. After screaming, “Jesus christ look where your fucking going you…….”

oh…. baby awaking and it is turning into small screams….. more later


What “they” didn’t tell me about being a parent…

Or possibly they did but it really doesn’t matter until it’s happening to you! IMG_0782“They” said we would never sleep, which is somewhat true but you don’t know how it feels until you are boiling water for coffee and pour it into a cup of orange juice. Or you keep repeating things and forgetting words as simple as cabinet.


It can take a long time to heal after the birth process. I tore, a lot. In the first week when I was pumping an engorged breast at 3am while attempting to peri-bottle my bits with warm water so it wouldn’t sting while I peed en route to racing/sauntering to meet the needs of my screaming child I thought, “Wtf, this is my life!?!” Feeling my organs shift and move back into place for a couple days after labour was incredible. The body is truely miraculous and also so strange, both my daughter and I have uncontrollable flatulence, which I trust will also shift over time.


The transformation of your heart- when you look at your baby and the love encircling you is so intense. It is indescribable. I really felt it around day 3 I will not forget the moment, nursing my child in our chair and looking at her, feeling her head in my hand and something totally clicked and flowed through us and grew around us. I had never felt something like it before. It was euphoric and primal and I knew I was tapping into a sacred mystery.


How inadequate and crazy I felt when we hit day 4 and our angelic daughter became a possibly colicky beast and we have no idea how to soothe her for longer then 5 minutes at a time. And then we find one thing that works like deep knee bends while making a wooshing sounds and stand there tagging each other out for an hour and a half until baby falls asleep. The next day waking up and both of us are in pain. IMG_0851     Completely distraught and hormonal when my baby cries and I weep and want to do anything I can to stop that cry! When I was attempting to breast feed and Esme would not latch and screamed and turned red as the midwife kept holding her to my breast. I was like we have to stop this is not feeling good! And then I panic and though, “I cannot provide for you, I’m a terrible mother already!” The hormones were incredibly intense. And I think I will never get this.


Nipple shields! If you have latch issues or inverted nipples these little dittys help your titties and support your baby in latching, and sets your mind and heart at ease. Thought La Leche League does not fully support this I cannot even stress what a life saver they have been to our nursing experience.   Cluster feeding! When your baby is like an insane Tasmanian devil screeching for your boob and flailing her arms with a frenzied look in her eyes! Like you can hardly even pee without the screaming banshee crying and you think there is nothing in there! What can you be sucking at! But miracle of miracles she seems to suck the deeper recesses of my breast and create more milk, but not without a struggle. And this happens at 2, 4, 6 weeks and 3, 6 and 9 months…and maybe some times in between for other developmental needs. IMG_0949


How it feels now that my body is home to someone else. When Ezzy cries and I pick her up and she sinks sighing deeply, into my flesh, starring into my eyes. Skin on skin is the best feeling with your wee one. Their body temperature regulates, their breathing eases and they feel safe in your presence. It is incredibly rewarding and daunting at the same time creating this deep attachment.


Everyone wants to hold the baby! Which is great, I thought I will totally pass the child off to anyone, get her acclimatized to people. I did not know that I would be such a mother bear. But I am the clingy, you aren’t holding her right parent! Who knew! When you see your baby’s cues of uncomfortability that is verging on a full out cry and the person holding her has no idea, why wouldn’t I attempt to intervene? At first a polite, “try this, she likes deep knew bends or to be shaken like a martini, don’t be delicate, she likes it rough”…but then inevitably I have a countdown where I need to take her back…its like an itch I need to scratch. I’m sure over time I will let go and over time my baby will be more accepting of other people but it is a process.


You think you’ll be the easy going parent and then you aren’t! When we were counting poopy and pee diapers and making sure there are “enough” and waking baby to feed every hour even if they are sleeping because that’s what the midwife said and then you google every little thing from, “will my kid be crossed-eyed because their eyes take time to adjust to will my kid have ADHD because they fidget so much? Will swaddling her and following the 5 S’s religiously calm her and we aren’t trying hard enough? My lassiez-faire attitude has somewhat disappeared. But in the end we are finding we have to trust our instincts and really tap into what feels natural to us, what we feels our baby needs. This is the biggest lesson and sometimes hard to do because it really is trial and error and everything changes so constantly! IMG_0821IMG_20140315_124211_2

Let’s Get This Party Started!- Natural Ways to Stimulate Labour

So at 40 weeks and 3 days I am feeling still pretty awesome in my body, some aches and pains here and there and uncomfortably in the night hoisting myself out of bed to pee but all in all I could hang in there.  Wait I forgot about heartburn! That has been my ultimate worst feeling in pregnancy! Blah! I had started to feel some braxton hicks surges in my lower pelvis and felt some twinges in my cervix area and some shooting pains in down my left inner thigh they would happen and stop nothing consistent. I don’t want to force anything but just let my body and baby know…ok I’m ready!

My main fear is medical induction! Besides the fact that I am planning a home birth and didn’t want to go to the hospital the induction part just sounds awful and painful so I decided to start going about some more natural methods below.

I know there is a timing and a process here. Baby Hawthorn is totally in control and feeling very smooshy and comfortable indeed. In China there is a saying- “when the fruit is ready, it will fall off the vine!”

take the stairs


SEX- Though most recommendations state something about semen having prostaglandin’s that

sexhelp to ripen the cervix if semen is not available to you in your sexual lifestyle do not fear, you needed it to get pregnant but not to go into labour! An orgasm  either partnered or alone, relaxes the body and stimulates oxytocin- the labour hormone; also helpful in early labour to get contractions stronger.

ACUPRESSURE– stimulate the various meridians and energy flows in your body at home with a friend, partner or by yourself. A great way to relax, de-stress and connect to your partner/ doula or friend as you visualize, breathe and open your body to the energies.– Helpful easy to follow routines. This site has a free booklet created by acupuncturist Debra Bettes that has some fabulous points to induce labour and support with pain management while in labour.

ACUPUNCTURE- more active or aggressive as you will need to leave your house, book and appointment and use needles but very affective support. If you do not have a trust acupuncture therapist check these sites:– Very accessible sliding scale clinic in Toronto- Brenna or Naomi are experienced with pregnant women!– Specializing in women’s support, fertility, pregnancy and beyond.

meditationVISUALIZATION AND MEDITATION- Every day I wake up and meditate with myself and the baby. I ask what we need- foods, places to go, rest and see what comes to mind. Sometimes I get clear messages- like a walk at the water and other times nothing tangible. I started visualizing my ripe opening cervix like a flower. I imagine the thinning, moving forward and shrinking. Visualizing with my breath creates ease, gentleness and clarity has been a supportive practice throughout pregnancy and I’m sure through birth.

HOMEOPATHY- Caulophyllum (Blue Cohosh) and Cimicifuga (Black Cohosh)-                                                                         These two remedies are used widely together and separately to support steady contractions and induce labour. You can start at a low dosage of 30x and up to 200x but use with the support of a homeopath/ naturopath/ doula to ascertain if this is the right action for you if you are not familiar with homeopathic medicine.

Homeopathy is gentle enough that if the baby is not ready and the body not ready to shift into birth then these remedies will only support in opening cervix and cause no harm. There are also remedies which may suit your specific energy profile and may prove to be more useful in getting labour started.

Lisa Farun Wonderful Doula/ Homeopath (queer friendly) on the Danforth- 416- 421-2447-

Piper Martin– Doula/Homeopath will do a skype natural induction consultation – 905-252-8929 excellent blog with resources; birth kits and guides for pregnancy


nipple stimulations

bumpy road

SPICY FOODS/ PINEAPPLE/ COFFEE-  Maybe or maybe not all together in that order! These items stimulate the stomach and digestion which can stimulate uterus into action. Pineapples contain bromelain which ripen cervix…if you eat 4 at a time!

SWEEPING THE MEMBRANES- a procedure your midwife or OB can perform and basically gets up in there and feels out your cervix, separating it from the membranes. I found it uncomfortable and a tad painful.


And if none of these work and I get to 42+ weeks forget all these tender massages and cooing voices I’m breaking out the Black Sabbath and doing shots of Jack Daniels- something to shake up this little Buddha baby!

and so we begin…

Procrastination is like a life enhancing drug for me.

It motivates me into creative, passion projects which usually becomes all consuming. After whipping up a batch of vegan chocolate chai pudding and hot gluing a bear cave out of cardboard for my class’s exploration on hibernation- with cotton ball snow and everything- I decided  to write a blog . All of this in protest to writing another boring essay for school. Blah. Thanks again Ryerson! At the end of this long road I can honestly say I have been sooooooo productive with my life even if it was just to spite you.

me and my lady  (I am on the left)

me and my lady
(I am on the left)

I want this space to share my thoughts, tips and experiences and also to serve as an archive about my pregnancy and beyond.

I am shacked up with and enamoured by another woman,  so that will play a roll in what information I have to share…especially on getting pregnant …. but I also don’t want to limit this conversation to queer issues. The fact that I will be able call my child a “gayby” won’t have an affect on the recipe I’m going to share with you for a fabulous stretch mark cream, nor will it affect my tips on eco-friendly toys or my love of chocolate.

I am an Early Childhood Educator (as is my partner) and I have extensive training  and experience in Holistic and Shamanic -Energy Medicine. I have a small business creating natural bath products out of my home. My favourite season is Autumn and I love cooking. If I don’t eat a good meal or have a snack every few hours I get really hangry and can act like a feral animal. It’s not pretty.  I can almost guarantee that I will have a spelling or grammatical error in almost every post I write, and I like to create my own words, so don’t get tripped up by those trivialities, it’s just the way I roll.