So I have been thinking and wanting to write and log into this blog I created in my rainbow hazed pregnancy all cozy couch sitting and time time time on my hands to write and sip a hot tea and think! Yea that’s over.
The time goes so fast but some days drags like molasses, like we have lived 4 days in one when we wake up at 5am. And I say “wake up” but some nights do we really sleep? Or just toss back and forth in warm covers and white noise attempting to silence the child and keep her still for a crazy amount of hours!
I will lie on my aching right side, from 6 months of co-sleeping and breast feeding, propped up by a pillow, my head in a dangerous vertebrae crushing incline that would make my osteopath wince, and I will lie like that for 45 minutes just to keep my boob in her mouth to buy me an extra hour in bed. If I am truly lucky with the Gods and Goodess at my side she will sleep for an hour and a half and I may snooze for 10. But I am learning to treasure even those 10 minutes and the 45 that I just lie their in the dark and worry and think awful things or plan my day or count hours in my head of what will happen if she fully wakes up right now.
My last post was exactly 5 months ago! Fuck!
I have wanted to post little snippets from my mind , and moment my daughter and I have. I have a daughter. DAUGHTER. Even now that she is 6 months old to say those words still feel surreal to my mouth and head. Even when I am snuggling her or feeding her or changing her diaper for the 40th time it still feels like maybe in a bit someone will come and take her back. Maybe my life will go back to …..whatever it was. Maybe my body may go back to “normal.” You know like those other mom’s who wear their little tight jeans or lulu lemon yoga gear and strut around laughing how after breastfeeding their body just kind of fell back into shape, or they even lost weight! Assholes.
I will never forget how weird it was the few days after birth when my organs were all shifting around in my body. Grateful for the space to relocate. I guess my intestines and stomach still want more real estate, they just never seemed to fall back into place. And how is it that I literally may have the most active child on the planet and yet I am still carrying 30 extra pounds at least?
Yes, I will write from time to time, little snippets and they won’t be edited or grammatical and they may be filled with anger or sadness, or griping, which doesn’t discount the love, the intense crazy love I have for my child but everyone knows that. Everyone knows about the smiles and the sweet stuff, what about the bullshit?
Like the hallucinations from sleep deprivation? I actually started yelling at a parked car the other day after jumping quickly out of the way when I thought it was going to back into us. After screaming, “Jesus christ look where your fucking going you…….”
oh…. baby awaking and it is turning into small screams….. more later